- Wednesday, April 25, 2007

To

Person A
Every time I see you, I feel the immense hurt and joy within me. A part of me yearns to hold you and convince you that I really love you, until the deep ashes within my well-like heart; another part of me rejects you like no other. Towards you I simply can't tell what is true love and true hatred because every time I feel your warmth, your presence, I get all confused.

I had always wanted to show you the real inner me - my hurts, my pains, my past - but you never seemed to care. Perhaps, I often conclude, that it was my stupidity to show you everything one-hundredth piece of me - the so rejected, love-deprived, and attention seeking part of me.

I have given up hoping that you'll hold my shoulders and tell me a hint of encouraging statement, or show a hint of your emotions, so that I can believe that I, at least, am human enough to deserve attention. And the love we Christians claim to be love.

Never again I hear you looking into my eyes the way you used to. Never again had I heard you ask me how was I doing. I doubt my worth every time I stand beside you. I doubt my whole every time I sit beside you. I doubt my existence whenever I stand before you.

Within me I know that you have had multiple persons who had better way at conversing and showing love to you than I. The people who had conquered your heart left no space for a petty individual like Jonathan Chu. Hence, I question my reasons of striving so desperately to gain your attention, to gain the joy of holding your hand, to gain the love you've once shared but never again.

Perhaps I am not of worth. To you. To the world. To myself.

***

Person B
Talking to you has been a great encouragement somehow to me. I realized that only broken people understand the complexity of the shattering process. Through you and from you I learnt the art of expression, the beauty of words, the power of mannerisms, and the force of mannerisms. Perhaps to you I am somebody who encourages, but to me, the way I view it, is a chance of proving to myself that I am, after all, worthy to be called a friend - someone who can be in need at times of need.

And therefore I pray that friendship would be the bonding rope between us. Despite the long phone calls and emotional (at times) chatterings, I hope that nothing will come between us to place the last straw on our shoulders.

***

Person C
Funny how things turned out for us. I often feel amazed at how our friendship flourished - from two total strangers to friends who could afford to talk about so many issues not many would attempt. Furthermore, the ability to imagine and argue to and fro had brought us closer, and this is why I want to tell you: I heart you.

Who on earth has no fear? Who in this universe has no pain - physical or emotional? There is no one; even God Himself experienced the meaning of pain - to be hung on the cross, to have sharp rusty nails plunged through His wrists and feet, to have his most loyal servant declare "I do not know that man!"

But take heart. Rest assure He hears YOUR cries. Know for sure there is somebody to listen to you shout your pain and frustrations in silence.

Above all, I wanted to tell you this too, that I will always try my best to be your friend. Not to harm you. Not to hurt you.

But to love you as who you are.

***

Person D
Every time I think of you, I think of a person equipped with knowledge not many possess. I think of somebody with bright future. But at the same time, I think of a friend who is too busy too. I like the chats we used to have, the intriguing mind-twisting chatterings and arguments we used to share and debate about, the knowledge we shared; I like your company because I learn a lot from you.

But one thing I hope of you, that no matter what spills onto your life, you'll remember that besides God, friends matter too, family matter too. And I hope that you could rid yourself of the excuses you used to put before me and your friends, but instead use responsible words.

Please, if you are reading this, and you know I am for sure speaking of you, don't feel offended, for I did not intend it to be offensive; I wanted you to know somehow or rather the thoughts I have, the words I wanted to say. I desired the melody of my words blend well, but it didn't turn out that way, I have to admit. I still hope that our friendship could flourish.

***

Person E
I admire you a lot. I think you possess great skill - something you've not realize, and often when this issue is raised, you tend to ignore. And besides that, my dear, I want you to know that as a family, I heart you as much as I heart the others, even though we're the furthest apart in the family.

And I hope though matters without your family intensifies, though emotions within you roars, though everything breaks you down, remember that I can at least be a listener, and nothing more than that. I can't give solutions. But I will be a listener.

And I will still love you, no matter what your shortcomings are. Because you are special. In your own way. To me.

***

Person F
I wonder how has life been for you with all the smashings of life beating up against your chest. With exams over and life far from home, I wonder whether life is harsh to you or otherwise. But, I wish to encourage you, you are looked after and remembered, always.

Despite what you think.

You are.

That's the fact, that's the truth; it won't change.

Never will.

***

Person G
I wish I can be as good as you.

***

Person H
I wish that you can love yourself, and not hate yourself so much. It hurts me to know that such thing existed in your life, since I know you inside out like an open book. You are somebody unique, so unique you can't comprehend. I see so many potentials in you. And though you're going through transitions in life, I hope that you'll take it easier.

And know that even though matters turn sour for you, even though others forsake you, I will not. Because I will always be with you.
Because I am you.

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