- Monday, May 28, 2007

Sadists Have Their Past Too

Iris
Goo Goo Dolls

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
and sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am


Jottings:
The past rings within my ears. It whispers gently yet begrudgingly. Its words seemed to tingle my fragile heart and make my fears surface. Past, oh past, look what you've did to me.

Yet, knowing what you would do and did to me, my dear Past; I allowed you to hurt me, I succumbed to your brutal scratchings of my skin's surface. Because I realize that if I threw you away, I would not be who I am today.

I would have been an unreasonable person, somebody equally as brutal as you, for I had not known you. But I know you. I understand how you work. Which was the reason I stepped back to let Hurt take over, to let Hurt dig a void in my heart.

Knowing that the world would reject me because of you, I tried to push you aside. But like venomous poison, you held on to my skin, which meant tearing you would result my death too; I had no choice but to keep you with me, and see Hurt manifest himself mightily. I feared, but I loved.

And hence, here I am, standing on a stage, reciting Shakespeare's famous Life Brief's Candle. Perhaps, this poem wasn't that suitable for my life. Yet, I adored the way it sung Hurt and Death together. Just as if they were solutions, mixed and squeezed together. The result of forceful mixing, the continual turning of the mixture. Round and round they went, round and round they mingled.

The light shone on me, I saw before me a multitude of faceless individuals, with only words written on their faces. Many similar words jumped out and made Hurt glorious. On some were "Granted", "Hate", "Detest", but I found none of "Love" or "Care".

To-morrow, to-morrow, to-morrow.

I began to recite. My voice up and down, like waves gliding on the seas. The words began manifesting themselves. And started soaring toward me. Perhaps, to consume me?

But I had to stay alive, so that my Jealousy could take over and rip the whole world apart. Even if my heart wanted nobody to see me, my emotions screamed for attention. I just wanted to whole world to know what a sadist I am.

Because I had my past too.

And that scared me, and loved me, which was how I comprehended things the way they were - abstractical resemblances impresses an individual easier than others.

Sadists have their past too.

*****

Things had been pretty hectic for me the past few days. Work, and studies, and worries, of course, were such a part of me these few days. I have had no time for anybody, including God, and several relationships were strained. But then I thought, my future is going to stay with me longer than these petty individuals. Perhaps it was time to learn that people were meant to be islands.

Because in the end, nobody really cares how good you are. Evidently, you can see their expectations of you being 'okay' when they ask you 'how're you?' or 'how's life treating you?' or 'how've you been?'

"Okay!" would be a preferred answer. "Gorgeously magnificent" would be overly exaggerative. "Great" would be the best answer.

And that was how humans were developed - selfish and impersonal. They strive to gain what they want, and leave others aside. Perhaps they do keep those they cherish or like within grasp, but others they forsake.

And maybe, it is time for me to acquire this skill too - to forsake everything and pursue my own desires of life. Maybe in loneliness I would find that solitude was the best friend I'd ever have. Because without any people capable of harming or causing more anguish, I would be truly okay, truly great, truly gorgeously magnificent. And because only solitude need no words to understand me. Just with the slight wind touching my cheek, all my emotions will be understood. Just in an instant, just in a second.

It's time to be alone.

*****

I've finished Trudi Canavan's "The Magicians' Guild". With simplicity, Canavan depicted the story well. I was indeed surprised at her ability to excite me and making me want to continue the story. Interesting, eh? So I considered buying the next few books.



And now, I'm reading...




It's really interesting.. The way Margaret George talked about Helen's past and her family. Haha. Hope to have more time to finish it.

And to you whom I've not been able to answer calls, I'm very sorry.

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