- Friday, September 28, 2007

My Whine

Though I can't say that Mass Communication is boring, I have to admit the workload is heavy. Week in week out, assignments pour in with me powerless to say 'Stop'. I'm trying really hard to finish my assignments at least a week before due date, but usually those assignments aren't good enough.

Many had asked me why I chose Mass Communication. And my reason would be: I like to write. Honestly, I could've chose to do music, but what if music fails for me? My teacher told me that I can play, but I'm not an excellent musician. I am not cropped out to do music, but I have an advantage - I learn slightly quicker than an average musician. That is all.

Speaking of which, in writing, I am no better than friends at college who are excellent writers. I read some of their blogs and always find myself rather startled at their mannerisms; they can write so well with minimal grammatical errors.

Perhaps I'm whining, but here's this: experience after experience, people's reaction toward my work imply that I produce mediocrity. Although many times I choose not to think about or believe in it, I can't escape from the fact that my work isn't good enough to impress someone of a certain status. For instance, I bleed my fingers trying to master Franz Liszt's "Transcendental Etude No. 1 'Preludio' ". Week after week, after numerous bangs on my reconditioned upright Yamaha piano, all I get from my teacher was "Not bad". I wanted something more, perhaps 'Well done', but I did not get it.

Accumulating all these experience, I often wonder how will I survive in the society. Will I be able to sustain myself? I do not want to depend on my parents; they've given more than enough, and I should be repaying. But will my mediocre abilities bring me to somewhere I desire?

Push aside Bible verses for a second. Think about reality for a moment. Survival in the modern society is not as simple as it seems. I might be able to get my diploma after three years of studying, and perhaps a degree after the fourth, what does it guarantee me? All it does is proof my academic studies, but it doesn't speak of my capabilities. Not that I have many rooms ability-wise, a certificate of education does not guarantee that I will get a decent job with a decent pay to feed my family and prepare my brother's and sister's education.

My mother has told me that she and father can only support a kid in studying in college, and that would be me. After my graduation, I have to get a job and start saving money for my brother's and sister's education should they want to further their studies in college. And all the while in college, I think of how could I better my work and have less time in thinking about really socializing and talking with them about everything under the sun.

Am I pressuring myself? Am I causing extra stress on myself? I do not really know because with all these in mind, I push myself to a level I rarely reach. This becomes a motivation I rarely have. But it does bring several negative impacts too, many I'm not too proud to mention.

I've tried speaking to people - both close and distant friends - but none of them could identify with my difficulties. Yes, I am very aware that everybody goes through different stresses in life, and full identification is not possible. But there should be a small amount of understanding, and they do not even have that level of understanding. Once again, I question the distance I can cover in true friendship. Will I ever get good friends who can not only talk nonsense to brighten my day but understand me well?

People say 'birds of the same kind flock together'. If I am who I believe to be - one with mediocrity - will my friends be of mediocre level? But I want friends who can motivate me to do something beneficial, not people who're only interested in having fun and fun alone. I want friends who can push me to a higher level. I want friends who can challenge me to betterment. I want friends who can speak their minds to me without fear and vice versa. I want friends excellent in their work, and whenever I need their help in work, they could at least lend a little help. Am I asking too much? Do such friends exist? Or am I thinking too much? I wonder.


Tea-puller said...

Sorry if I'm intruding, (as you don't know me and I don't know you) but this is a very honest post and I just want to encourage you to keep hanging on to God, the truth and pray that He will send a sincere friend to encourage you through these hard and worrying times. A burden shared is a burden halved. Take care!

Suit Lin said...

You can spend your whole life building something from nothing,
One storm can come and blow it all away,
Build it anyway.

You can chase a dream that seems so out of reach,
and you know it might not ever come your way,
Dream it anyway.

Martina Mcbride - Anyway.