- Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Memoirs of 2008

    Alert: Long, wordy post ahead. Run or read, leave or die.

Good morning, Solitude.

In the land where hypocrites back stab hypocrites and sin lurks and consumes each soul that has a name, ironically, both you and I have survived thus far. Laden with excessive baggage that we always want to rid ourselves of but couldn't, we have somehow managed to walk these paths of lonely suffering for as long as we can remember. Just as our memory fails us slowly, and our recalling ability is blurred with rose-tinted glass, our days continue sweeping past us rapidly, each day quicker than the previous, each moment more fleeting than the previous. Just like that, 2008 has fled from our time, without a moment's notice, and all we have left is our emotions of guilt, love, and pain - the remains of 2008.

Fleeting as it may be, 2008 has been both a nightmare and a sweet dream to me, or at least, the first more than the latter. And I can feel 2008 as it slowly slips past my hand, though it tries to linger about as the dawn of 2009 creeps in.

I sit back, typing this at a very ungodly hour, reminiscing about this year before 31st December hollers goodbye to me and shoves 2009 into my mouth.

Once today is gone, I will be twenty (20). This would mean more expectations on me. This would mean more maturity expected of me. This would mean more responsibilities on my shoulders. Twenty is a number I used to dream of having for my age when I was a little boy because that way, I could drive, mix around with friends, joke about anything under the sun, go anywhere I want to and have more money to spend. But right now, I realize being twenty is more than that.

That aside, I suppose this is a good opportunity to commemorate a few events I still vividly remember that had happened this year, and also a good chance for me to thank a few influential people in my life although there were tons and tons of blinking idiotic morons who annoyed the crap out of me and drove me up from the wall to the ceiling. But I guess, why not take notice on the good ones (because they are few) than on the bad ones? This way, I count my blessings rather than the tortures by so-called civilized barbaric terrorists who try religiously to taint my life with dirt. Call me Long-suffering.

The birthday celebration that I remember the most vividly is Paul's birthday because of the trouble all of us (Yen, Dixon, Sasa, and I) had to go through and the money spent on him. He might or might not know that we had to purposely meet up just to discuss about our evil plan together, and Sasa offered to be an accident victim. Along the way, we messed up some stuffs but everything appeared to be jolly well. We -- I especially -- hope that he realizes how blessed, loved and cared for he is. (We don't plan birthday surprises as extensively as we did for just anybody; we only do it for the ones we care for)

This video never fails to put a smile on my face whenever I view it. It reminds me of the excitement in planning for the surprise and the oneness we felt while planning. Everybody had to make sure nobody gives any hint of the surprise, and everybody had to make sure everything happened according to plan. Man, I wish we could come together to plan another celebration again.

Port Dickson was the beach I visited the most this year - thanks to Dixon's ambitious and successful photoshooting assignments. Some of the trips had marked themselves on us, especially Sasa. Ask her, she'll show you what happened. These trips were very educational for me. Although I wouldn't say I am a learning or a bidding photographer, I did learn a thing or two (i.e. Rule of Third, Shutter speed, etc.) I take pride of these mates. They're real sport because they drive you insanely lame or crazy, and their spontaneity just blows you away sometimes. (You can insist on reading it with a positive tone)

Planning for the Year End Bash for Life College wasn't simple. Many people thought that planning was going to be a breeze, but let me tell you personally, it isn't. I had to split the entire committee into departments, think of their strengths and weaknesses, and put them in areas where they can exercise and work on their strengths, put them together with people who will complement them, and most importantly, in positions where they will learn the most. I had to think as extensively as possible to come up with plans and ideas, hoping that students will be interested to go for the Year End Bash, since it is the first outside event Life College will be holding.

Expectations were hard on my shoulders. On one hand, students were silently screaming or talking behind my back of their severely high expectations of me and the Student Council; on the other, even some of the Student Council members themselves had expectations of the president. With this in mind, I planned as well as I could, praying that things will go well.

Speaking of this, I remembered the first time John Jerald asked me to accept this position of the Student Council president. I talked to my youth leader and my pastor about it, asking for their advice. While my pastor (who happens to be my dad too) thought that my sudden 'ascension' to the president will take away a lot of my time and my inexperience might be a stumbling block, he did nod his head when I told him I wanted the experience, because I was sure that I will learn something new.

Initially, after accepting the offer, I freaked out. I was pretty sure being the president will be a tough job and would require a lot of commitment from me. But slowly, I learned from scratch how to be as effective as possible (with many mistakes and disappointments) and here I am, about to say goodbye to the presidency role in two months time.

Some thought that being the president is an easy job, but let me assure you, it isn't. Some thought that the Student Council was somewhat like an elite group with a 'holier-than-thou' attitude but failed to see the effort the Student Council puts in to planning events for the students and voicing out their concerns to the staff. Many of these behind-the-scenes they failed to see, and were quick to judging. Sometimes, these saddened me; but I was sure that they will not deter me from being a better president and helping the Council gain back good rapport with the students. Some, shockingly, were desperate enough to join the Student Council that they went around talking about planning events or setting up clubs so that they could be a part of the Student Council. Little did they realize that being in the Student Council is a responsibility, and if not handled well, things may go sour.

In summation, the experience in the Student Council had been more than challenging, perhaps even near to craziness. But without the help of the Council, I suppose I would have worn off and evaporated into the air.

As the holidays passed quickly and the year was about to end, I decided to get some of my college buddies out for Fireman, a BBQ restaurant at Jaya 1 to celebrate Dixon's and Sasa's deteriorating youthfulness. It was fun meeting together after some time of busyness. Like old days, we fought about everything and tried to scar each other with our words but ended up laughing at each other's sillyness. It was a good meet up and a dinner. I might post up pictures of the dinner soon, if Yen decides to send me the pictures sooner. For some pictures, visit Yen's new blog: http://suyenpang.wordpress.com/

Some of the many lessons I learned throughout 2008:

- Loneliness is different to everybody. Mine is more of a reality to yours because I experience mine more than yours, but that doesn't give you or anybody the right to judge or criticize me, because if you do - or even think about it - you are a huge hypocrite who does not know what he/she is talking about.

- Busyness is a very good way to fend off all emotions of numbness, depression and loneliness.

- Sometimes friends are just friends because they want something from you. They deliberately call themselves 'friends' so that in the event help is needed, they come screaming for help, while in times of normalcy, they go around socializing at the same time ignoring your presence, your very being. Adding to this, people go around calling their guy friends 'bro' or girl friends 'sis', or even telling each other, "I love you." To me, these words have lost their meanings so much that they are now used so loosely.

Hence, I've stopped calling people 'bro' or 'sis' because I am pretty sure these people won't live up to being a 'bro' or 'sis' to me, especially when I'm in need. Be he or she a Christian or not, I don't see a point in calling them 'brother- or sister-in-Christ' because they will be the first ones to judge and preach should I fall or stumble. They will be the first ones to use the Bible to hit against me. Plus, being a brother or sister means being understanding and loving at all times. I can go on with this, but I just feel that it's somewhat pointless, since I am perhaps the only one who thinks this way.

I've stopped telling people 'I love you' because, in reality and honestly, I don't. Getting me to love somebody is difficult, I realized, because that person has to be able to see through my walls and understand me as a person, one that is prone to human emotions as everybody instead of a machine that only knows how to work.

I've stopped going around telling people, "Oh, you're my friend" or "we're friends what!" because I feel it's so hypocritical. Truth is, friendships these days are so shallow, so much so that I can't bear but cringe every time I think about the shallowness of 'friendship'. People call themselves 'friends' but go around bossing about your stuffs or backstabbing you or gossiping about you or exposing what you called a secret! Personally, I wouldn't call these beings friends, because by definition, friends aren't people who do this.

- I cannot expect those I love to always be there for me, because they are so caught up with things in their lives - be it girlfriend or church or work or whatnot. I have stopped asking why can't they be there for me when I have always made it a point to be there for them. Perhaps this is life, a journey meant for walking and experiencing alone while occasionally having others to come by and give you a pat on the shoulder. Maybe this is the reason why I have stopped loving more, or telling (random) people "I love you".

- I am somewhat an Elitist.

Basically, this somewhat sums up my complicated 2008. I could write more, but I guess I would rather keep these thoughts to myself, lest I offend any blog reader (though I don't really give a damn because it's my Solitude blog, and not yours).

2009 strikes with a pinch of pain. 2009 = 20. Behold the coming of an ancient Pig. I shall walk among you and taunt you with the little sarcasm I have, knowing that most of you won't be able to feel the sarcasm I pour forth (though little). But anyways, I am not here to please you but myself, and God.

Dear Solitude,

May you retain your meaning of 'solitude' and not lost sight of who you are, because nobody can make you think you're not, nobody can make you feel lesser and smaller, nobody can tell you you're not good enough, unless you let them.

Your faithful blogger.


Lawrence said...

sweat.. all of you write so long............

but i love 2009.. ancient pig.. that is nice.. lol.. and when u age, you grow.. that's what i think la..

enjoy ur 20th birthday soon!! :)

ah^kam_koko' said...

Jonny is learning some hard truths about this life & he looks like he'll do just fine~~
Happy New Year!

Su Yen said...

oh my goodness.. i almost forgotten how much fun, money (scrap scrap off) it was den.. haha