- Thursday, February 05, 2009

I Used to Love You

She gazed deep into his dark brown eyes. Nothing but rejection, hurt and pain. What a pity little soul, she thought. She had pity for him, but she had more pity for herself.

She knew he loved her so much, so much that he gave up everything... money, status, his likes... but the only thing he did not give up was his identity, which he held strongly to, which she passed off as male ego just because he seldom talked about what he thought or feel; but she could tell it all, just with a look into his eyes, his emotion betrayer.

She remembered how he used to pull her into his strong arms and kiss her on the forehead and tell her how much he loved her. She could feel his heart beating as she rested her cheek onto his broad chest.

She remembered how he struggled giving up his favorite job just to be with her. He used to be a very energetic businessman who went around making successful business deals, and he was very excellent - beyond excellent, she thought - at what he was doing. But all she wanted was to move to the suburbs and have her own little cupcake cum coffee shop.

She wanted a slow moving life; he wanted a fast pace one. She wanted to taste each and every moment of life, just like one seeping a cup of bitter black coffee or expensive wine. One does not take a big gulp and swallow it as if one is drinking plain water; one sips bit by bit - slowly - and savors each drop of the drink and feels it linger on one's tongue. The aftertaste stays. Yet, he was the opposite. He knew not how to live an easygoing life; he only knew how to move forefront, and move very quickly. He only knew how to advance with big leaps. But that wasn't what she wanted.

She remembered staring into his vulnerable eyes while shouting with frustration, "Why can't you slow down? One day you're north, another day you're south! I want an easygoing life, is that something your oh-so-compartmentalized brain can't understand?"

He said nothing. He just stared at her. Deep inside, she knew, that he understood what she was saying, but could he do? What could he possibly change?

Later in the night, she found him sitting in the garden of the little city house they shared, staring into the sky of blinking stars, as if they had a message to tell him, to speak to him. He sat there for a long while, she wondered why. Perhaps it was because of their silent treatment towards each other, but she shouldn't bother. He was a big man, one capable of making his own decisions and stick to it.

Just before she left to return to her work, he stood up and turned, and looked at her. His eyes were troubled, but his face did not betray him. That was what's so beautiful about him, she thought. One just needs to know him good enough to be able to see the emotions he held within him through his eyes, and one would be extremely erroneous and stupid to interpret emotions from his facial expressions.

And this time, looking into his eyes told her something, something that perhaps she might dread hearing.

"Okay." He said. And sighed.

She looked at him. He looked at her.

"I will give up my job for you."

She continued looking at him, unsure of what to do next.

He forced a smile. His eyes were watery, but he tried to hide them.

"We can move to the suburbs like you have always wanted, and have the cupcakes and coffee shop you have always dreamed of. We can have a huge garden and have lots of flowers in the garden, and we can go walking each morning, hand in hand, slowly having the day past us by."

"Okay." She moved away, leaving him alone in the garden.

Thinking back at so much he had given up for her, funnily how she couldn't feel any appreciation for what he had done for her. Giving up his high paying job and million business deals, giving up his passion in the business world, giving up his fast pace life, giving up his savings to get her whatever she needed to open a the cupcakes cum coffee house she wanted, giving up his friendships he gained through his journey in the business world...

She always rationalized that if a man loved her enough, he would give up anything for her. And so far, he proved to be true. She questioned if she loved him, but she didn't know the answer.

Right now, as she gazed into his hurt eyes, she decided perhaps it was time to separate. They were married without kids. That made it easier for separation. Just as she announced her decision to him, his eyes turned teary. But he blinked them back. He sighed.

"Why?" His voice shaky.

She looked elsewhere.

"Did I do anything wrong? Did I do anything to displease you?"

She looked back at him. "We're different."

He was silent.

Leaving him would be like leaving a boy stranded with nothing left in the desert. Either he lives or he dies, simple solution. He was without any profession now. He had somehow managed to still that burning passion of going forward in his business. He wanted to please her so bad, to see her smile, which he seldom saw. And when he did, his day would be filled with smiles.

She stood up and left. But just before she was out of sight, she turned back and looked at him and said, "I used to love you."

She was then out of sight.

3 comments:

ah^kam_koko' said...

Ouch!
Why do ppl always look for something that has never been in each other?
sigh~~

Jon Chu said...

Perhaps it's because the pasture over the other side is always greener. We've been so accustomed to one another that what seemed to be "green" isn't green anymore.

sammierae said...

jon!! I hate sad stories...but beautiful writing :)