- Thursday, February 12, 2009

I wonder

I think I'm somewhat addicted to blogging. It is perhaps the only avenue where I can voice my thoughts and pen (or rather, type) them down with (hopefully) proper grammar so that I can not only improve my writing but also organize my thoughts.

Right now as I type this, I'm what you can call a zombie. I'm not proud of it, and I don't think I'll ever be proud of it. Eye bags and dark circles are signs of severe sleep deprivation, and my dad always says that's why I can't grow fat - I don't get enough sleep! But well, I was just back from a whole day's tiring back-to-back classes and meetings. The funny thing is, I am supposed to be happy with the day, instead I feel rather... empty and unaccomplished. Boy, I dislike such feeling.

I realize I am beginning to get sick of meetings. I want to go out and have fun now. I want to have movie marathons, I want to have time to read book after book (and I always feel satisfied after finishing a book), I want to go to Redang =(

But anyway, that's beside the point.

As I was bathing, I thought about the day... how everything went... how many harsh (and sarcastic, according to my friends) remarks I made... how noisy and irritating I have been... and I couldn't help but wonder how do my friends and family stand me. If I were my friend, I would have shuddered and run away. But this is also because I know my weaknesses and when I see myself in the mirror, I see my weaknesses since they tend to shout louder than my strength, which many a times I consider trivial.

I once talked to this friend and she and I talked about weaknesses. I remember her saying that she wished she didn't have all the skills she had, instead wouldn't it be better to be pretty and be cared for/after? Wouldn't it be better to be loved and pampered? Similarly, many a times, I wish I do not have my strengths, instead I wish I have the strength to correct my weaknesses. At least, I wouldn't be so... faulty.

So yeah, just like what a friend at today's meeting said, "Being loud is irritating," I so agree with that. Haha! I am loud and irritating, I think. I guess I've gotta control my tongue more. At least when it comes to remarking and reacting to situations and people.

There was this period when I used to be a recluse. Didn't give a damn about almost everything and only focused on myself. Didn't have much friends, but what the heck? Who cares? Although deep inside, I do question if by not caring, I'll have lesser friends which thus makes me some socially paralyzed poor soul; but I guess I didn't care more. It's easier anyway. Hurt lesser.

No doubt I'll feel lonelier, but at least it's constant instead of sitting a roller coasting of going up and down and up and down, again and again. Don't you just get sick and tired of that? But anyways...

Lately, I've given a big deal of damns about people around me. I ask how are they, when some of them say I'm just being polite in trying to start a conversation with an insincere, overused phrase: How are you? My question is, how then do you ask that question? How is life? How has life been treating you? Don't they carry the same meaning? Why not settle with the simpler "How are you?"

I ask, "how's your exam or mid term?" I ask, "How was your... project/family/etc?" I reach out to hug people (although I'm not hug-able, but who on earth cares?), I reach out to care. But then, the nagging question, "Why care? Why love?" constantly hits my conscience.

I also realized that by caring and giving, I tend to talk about myself more too. Normally, I'd just lay low about what is happening in my life, but recently, I talk about a lot that is (or has been) happening in my life. Sometimes, after the entire conversation, the thought of "giving too much information about myself" will arise, but I still shove it away anyways.

But still, this just reminds me that just like respect, friendship is giving then receiving. You first give respect, then others will respect you; you first give friendship and extend your hand in welcoming the person into your life - entirely or partially, then the receiving end will do the same for you.

Yet again, (I think I should start using more positive conjunctions than negative ones such as "but" and "yet again") what if the receiving end judges and criticizes you and deem you unworthy of his/her attention or friendship? What if the receiving ends stereotypes you and say you are "weird" and "irritating"? Wouldn't that be outright discrimination and rejection as an individual with the right of friendship?

Certain questions just never get answers, let alone right answers. I suppose this issue will be a question I will ask myself for life.

Or maybe if I start thinking lesser, the answer just might dawn upon me. But considering the chances of me thinking lesser, let's just label it: a drop in the ocean. If you get what I mean.

So my ranting shall stop here for the moment. I leave for the bed. Bless ye, child.


ah^kam_koko' said...

Well bro...
You should really get the sleep you need.
At least 6hrs a day.
This will improve your mood & your efficiency at work/study.

Start from there.

crys said...


so eeemo all your posts lately... haha. but i'm glad you're blogging about this =)

i totally agree with this part: "just like respect, friendship is giving then receiving. You first give respect, then others will respect you; you first give friendship and extend your hand in welcoming the person into your life - entirely or partially, then the receiving end will do the same for you."

i don't know how friends may have treated you in the past to cause you to be wary of people and forming superficial relationships. but heck, whoever those people were, it's their loss cos they missed out on an AWESOME friend. you know la - i've told you this before. =)

but anyway, you're around different people now - people who JUST MIGHT, if you give them the chance, not judge you when you open up, but instead accept you, flaws, weaknesses, and MANY talents included (did you ever think while you see your flaws as bigger than your "little" or "average" strengths, we see your talents and strengths as more gigantic, enormous, humongous, etc than your flaws?).

it's painful risking it - but at the end of the day, you will live knowing that you have dared to take the risk. and the beauty of taking a risk is that, while we stand the chance of getting hurt, we also stand the chance of getting something amazing. =)

crys said...

"The remarkable thing is that we really love our neighbor as ourselves: we do unto others as we do unto ourselves. We hate others when we hate ourselves. We are tolerant toward others when we tolerate ourselves. We forgive others when we forgive ourselves. We are prone to sacrifice others when we are ready to sacrifice ourselves." - Eric Hoffer