- Wednesday, February 11, 2009

if love means hurt, why love?

Dr. Chase: Why does everybody need to know my business?

Dr. House: People like talking about people. Makes us feel superior. Makes us feel in control. And sometimes for some people, knowing some things makes them care.

Dr. Chase: I'd tell you my dad left, my mom drank herself to death, you're gonna care about me more?

Dr. House: The camera would. Me... I just like knowing stuff. (pause) I know you hate your dad. I'm gonna tell you something...

Dr. Chase: I don't hate him. I loved him until I figured out it hurts lot less to not care. You don't expect him to turn up to your football match? No disappointments. You don't expect (him) to call on your birthday, you don't expect to see you for months... No disappointments. You want us to go and make up, drink a few beers together and have a nice family hug? (chuckles) I've given him enough hugs; he's given me enough disappointments.
- House, Season 01, Episode 13, Cursed

I suppose the very thought that somebody cares can be either comforting or disastrous or both, depending on how you view it. The funny thing is that we always hope that someone out there would be looking out for us, and somehow manage to catch us right before we fall. But along the way, we come to this painful truth that no matter how close we are to certain people in our lives, no matter how many close or bestest friends or buddies we may have, we can't run from the fact that we are just mere lonely people.

For instance, count the number of friends who have stuck with you since childhood until now. Count the number of friends who have not moved on and drifted apart. Count the number of friends who have not found other better friends and have stuck like glue to you.

I remember once there was this friend, and we had this deep conversation (gosh, I miss deep conversations) about how superficial and shallow friendships these days can be, and how the meaning of love has degraded so much, so much so that the intensity that love once had is watered down to a state of temporal infatuation. We say, "I love this," and "I love that" but do we really feel the intensity for the items/circumstance/person(s) we claim to love?

Perhaps this is also why I do not simply go around telling people I LOVE YOU, like how many people in my college or friends do. They say, "I love you man" when somebody does an excellently altruistic job for someone else. But my question is, do they really love each other when they say they love?

Because, as what I know, love hurts - a lot. Call me emotional or whatever, but let's just face it. You love somebody, you get jealous easily, you get insecure easily, probably because of the humongous amount of insecurity and low self-esteem you have since you know your sets of problems and weaknesses best. You get worried easily, you get hurt easily. So, if love is this feeling that brings you to the top of the world one moment and brings you to the deepest pits of hell, what's the use of it?

Why love?

Why care to love?

Why not stop loving, take everything and everybody neutrally and care less? That way, you save yourself a lot more trouble of going through roller coasters of pathetic overjoys and depression and self doubt.

They say that when you're addicted to something, you consume it knowing that it will slowly cause your body to deteriorate and die eventually. All you are going for is that temporal high. Perhaps it's the same for love. It's a kind of addiction that you go for the temporal high and tell yourself to worry about the hurt that comes in a package later. After all, now counts.

Knowing that you are going to be scarred along the way, you still give in to love and hope to be loved in return. You give out - everything - in positive hope that the receiving end will see your sincerity and perhaps, just perhaps accept you, and hopefully, accept you for you and not just what you have to offer, which is a never failing mentality ingrained in the minds of many insincere hypocritical friends.

What about swinging to the other side of the pendulum - don't care? Don't expect, no disappointment. Isn't that just plain bliss? Or would we rather to be hurt, so that at least we know we're still human and that we can feel?

Irony, huh?

Talking about altruism and friendship, around me are people talking about going overseas to further their studies, and I'm not surprised at how many of them tell each other, "Let's go to the same college or university." Funnily and ironically, I who used to be anti-conformity said the same thing.

When a friend asked me, "Why do you want to go to Swinburne?" I paused for a moment and found that it was not just because it had the course I had in mind, but also because somebody else was going and I wanted to tag along. I used to tell friends and write to advise others to choose the suitable college/university for them, and not go to a institution just because their friends are going. And now, I have dug my own grave; I'm hung by my words.

So today after a particular conversation, it dawned upon me that following anybody to whatever college or university isn't the answer to the career path I want. I may go to Swinburne and do well there, graduate, but will that certificate help in whatever I am going to do in the future? I'm not sure. Right now, what I want is full exposure. I don't want secondhand information or exposure, because that way I'll only be a second grade individual and student. I want the best, and I'm going to go for the best.

Hence, I'm going to rethink the path I am to take for my future. It will be more difficult this time, considering I'm such an average student, and that I don't do something exceptionally well that I can major in it, which can be very frustrating at times.

Long ago, I had this hunch that Mass Communication was the direction I'm to head to, and now, as I'm in it, I realize that there are so many areas to branch into and I can't decide which to take! I know I'm the type that would sit in the office and manage stuffs, but I would like to go around and drink Starbucks coffee once in a while and not be just restricted to the four walls of the solemn company. I'll die and suffocate.


Gene Lih said...

Call me pessimistic or anything. But I freaking love this post. Cuz not caring, or pretending to not care too much for other people brings me a sense of security, and it gives me an illusion that i'll always have the upper hand, and a greater sense of authority to manipulate a situation

Jon Chu said...

Haha. I don't think "pessimistic" is the right word. Yes, I agree with you. It brings that sense of security and creates the illusion that we are safe and insusceptible to any hurts that is possible because of caring.

Wow. Ain't that true. Hmmm.. =)

Anonymous said...

Just a quick correction.

It's not "The camera would" it's "Cameron would." Female lovey-dovey-kumbaya doctor