Waiting

Dear you,

I received your letter. Your typed letter. I read through. Once, twice, and again. These words were the words I've been waiting to hear -- not read -- for very long. I wanted to know you care, I wanted to know if my messages meant a thing, I wanted to know if I was somebody to you.

Today I got my answer.



Dear you,

I received your text today. Your short text. You have said the same things over and over again, so much so that whenever you said you cared, I could never believe.

Sometimes I will not hear from you for days. But when you do show up, you tell me you have been thinking of me. But how do you think of a person and not want to be with the person when the person is right beside you?



Dear you,

Am I still somebody to you? I want to know.
Am I still worth something to you? I want what's true.

Your answer have once broken my heart. I suppose I am permitting another breakage. Maybe what I feel doesn't matter anymore. Maybe who I am doesn't matter anymore. Maybe reality doesn't matter anymore.

Maybe what matters is knowing I have let go something, because by doing so, someone else is happy.



Dear you,

I once believe in love. But I don't know if I still do. Let time mend my heart, for my faith is faltering now.

I long to hold your hands and draw you into my embrace. I long to know and be loved. But just like they say, life isn't always the way you want it to be. Because the more you want something, the easier it slips through your fingers.



Dear you,

I have waited.

I have been waiting.

I will still be waiting.

But know that my dusk is coming soon, and I am unsure where the birds will fly to. Tell me quick how your dawn is like, so that I may not see the moon's tears.


Love,
Me.

Psycho-Noir

I have an idea for a psycho-noir (a film genre that includes disturbed characters, and has themes such as crime, sexual motivation and moral ambiguity). To me, there is much beauty in that story, but to write the thoughts of the character down, to describe each scene and make it into a film script, I might go crazy.

Because to write a good story means involving yourself in the characters' minds and live in their hells.

Photography Outing

Played with some editing functions. Not a professional yet. GAMBATE~ yoooosh~~

This is Artistic

I LOVE!!! T.T
I wish I was as good in words as the author/typographer is... T.T

I Melt for You

Britt Nicoles

Oh?

I have six more assignments to go. I just (almost) completed my last journal of Film Appreciation and right now, I am very unsatisfied the way my assignments are going. 

I'm either stuck or lost for words. Definitely not a good position to be in. 

* 

I am tired. I have been forgetting things so quickly and easily these days. I look at my management diary and see the piles of things to do and meetings to attend. Gosh, I am so looking forward to a vacation where at least I can pamper myself even when nobody else will. 

*

I am supposed to be looking forward to finishing my assignments, but I guess no sane human will do so. I am wishing the day of viewing Ice Age 3 and Transformers come by quicker. I am wishing the day I officially leave college. I am wishing the day I get my last results slip and see that "High Distinction" word so that I can show it to my parents and forget about college. 

* 

I look forward to go through 2 months of torturous internship period which will start on August. It'll be a big challenge, and guess what -- yours truly is scared. Scared that he cannot perform. 

But right now, I gotta worry about assignments and the upcoming oh-so-dreadful exams. 

*

This semester is by far the most stressful and challenging one. I have completed more than 10 assignments. Should I be proud of myself?

Maybe I should. 

No time to be proud la! Finish assignment la!

* 

Listening to Matt Nathanson's Come On Get Higher. Love the song. 

* 

I am just hit by reality again. I realize that in the creative world, people don't get what you want to do. Say, in designs, people don't get it that words and white space play such important roles in a good design. They want to cramp everything inside. They don't understand what is nice and simple. 

For scripts, they don't understand what is dramatic and what is not, what is necessity and what is bullshit, what is symbolism and what is not. All they care is getting things done quick. I am so disheartened. 

Switching to another topic, I realized I prefer working alone than working with people. Because of my nature which always push people to get things done, people often mistaken me with being rude when they do not realize they do not do what is required of them. Even clicking the REPLY TO ALL button and replying is difficult, and yet they complain I am being harsh. 

People never fail to amaze me. 

*

I think I should re-adopt the I-don't-really-care-about-you-and-your-bullshit attitude. 

But yet again, wouldn't that jeopardize many good friendships I have built thus far? 

* 

Why is my blog swarming with weird people these days? 

* 

I long for Durian. 

* 

This coming week is going to be an uber awesome (NOT) crazy week. 

Tuesday - Assignment due

Wednesday - Presentation

Thursday - A 1200-word assignment due

Friday - A 2000-word assignment due

Our Father in Heaven, hallowed by thy name... 

* 

I realize I have not really talked with anybody lately and I kinda miss that. Those deep heart-to-heart conversations I used to have with a few selected people... Ah, I miss those conversations so much now. 

* 

I got an SMS from my internship place asking me to review a play yesterday, but it was Father's Day! I had plans and I couldn't go. Ah, I miss KLPAC. 

* 

Ignore the bad English -- I never had perfect English anyway. 

Sayonara 

Of Girlfriend Again

Mom: Next time I will never want to stay in the same house as you.

Jon: Why?

Mom: Because your wife will be very noisy. I cannot stand it. I need peace. PEACE. *show peace sign*

Jon: =.=

My Fist To Heaven

I am angry. Very angry. You have no idea how angry I am. The people I have lost, the love that have escaped my fingers, the moments that had fled past me without me noticing their fleeting movements... 

I am angry. 

I wonder why is this world the way it is; so much hatred, so much revenges, so much distractions, so much pressure. I wonder why this world tells people to be who they are not, and why so many give in to the messages the world hums. 

I am angry. 

Why do people say this generation is a generation of rebellion and promiscuity? Are we just limited to such behaviors? No. We have people who are driven, people who have determination to make it in life, people who see a point in loving, people who see a reason in giving. We have people who trust, who believe, who have faith in whatever they believe in. Why do we focus on only the bad? Why are our views so narrow? 

I am angry. 

Why do people stereotype and make presumptions so easily? Why do people judge before fitting themselves in others' shoes? Why do people choose to criticize before understanding? Why do people seek to first please themselves? 

I am angry. 

The many questions I have about the life and the cruelty it brings; they might never be answered. We hear so much about making changes, but have we begun changing ourselves? We always ask people to change to fit us, so that our lives may be easier, but why can't we change to fit others? Why do we look for convenience? Is there convenience in friendship and love? Is there convenience in humanity? 

I am angry. 

I raise my fist to heaven as a protest because I believe if we want something, we should strive to get it. If we want to see change, we should first change ourselves. 

It's a choice to see, to believe, to change. It's a challenge to move before asking people to do the same. Where do you stand? 

Animes are Emofying?

I think I'm weird. I really do. 

Romantic movies don't (really) move me; they make me laugh instead. Sad movies (many of them) don't make me go emo (let's not count the Curious Case of Benjamin Button), but animes and mangas make me go emo many times. 

I have been catching up on my Naruto manga, and how many times I have read it or watched the anime and started spiraling down into the realm of emoness. That ain't good. I suppose it's because of the many themes in these simple stories that I can identify with so much. 

Full Metal Alchemist never fails to draw me in to the story and the love between the brothers (main characters) of the story; the bond between Naruto and Sasuke, Naruto and the others never fail to move me and remind me that it is possible to love friends; Kurosagi Ichigo in Bleach never fails to remind me that sometimes giving is better than receiving, and one shouldn't always look for self gains but instead learn how to give. 

I realize I have so much more to learn in this world. Just in socializing, I have so much to learn and so much to give. It's not easy, especially when you do or say things out of good intent and people take it wrongly, saying you are being sarcastic or hurtful with intention. But I suppose this is how life should be; we learn to give despite knowing that there is great risk of being hurt, we learn to love despite knowing there will be scars along the way, we learn to befriend despite knowing that many times the closest to us will be the first to betray us... 

Lessons are like gold along the road. If we choose to pick them up, we gain them, we learn them. If we choose to discard or ignore them, they will never be ours. 

My dad has told me that lessons will be learned the hard way or the easy way. Those who choose to learn lessons the hard way will end up having more regrets or scars because they chose not to heed others' warnings or advices. But I suppose that is how many of us live our lives; we want to and choose to learn things the hard way, because it is easier in the early stage any way. We prefer to not see ahead and anticipate the consequences awaiting us, because such an attitude allows us more time to have fun and live the kind of life we want to live. How convenient. 

Yet, if we chose to heed others' advices and warnings, we could have saved ourselves from so much trouble. However, how many of us care to listen? It's like asking a child not to touch a hot kettle. He may choose to listen, or he may choose to experience the pain of having hot water on his skin.

As for me, what I have experienced, I try to inform those I care about them so that they might avoid. Although sometimes they choose to not heed my warnings (one even told me to let him learn things the hard way because that is who he is -- stubborn), I suppose my responsibility is done once I warn or advice them. 

Back to the anime/manga part, I'm rather updated with my Naruto series. Time to catch up with Full Metal Alchemist and Bleach. I am so far behind. 

=) 

p/s: Boon Dat is surprised I read manga/watch anime. =.=""" 

Fallen in our own ways

FALLEN
Sarah McLachlan

Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I've held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Jottings:

We all have failed. Failed in our different ways. We tear, we regret, we condemn ourselves. We tell ourselves "If only", we scream in our own silent rooms with the heartaching words "If I were better", "If I were cleverer"... 

We ease our hearts by whispering the overused cliche "Behind every dark clouds is a silver lining", but how often have we used it, so much so that they don't comfort us anymore? 

Heaven bend to take our hands; we are alone, on our own to find answers to our long-asked questions, on our own to discover the tune of life that we might experience life and refuge from all our pains. 

We fear from telling everybody our fears and aches because we fear they might turn their faces from us or tell us, "I told you so." We fear that we might be lonelier, which is why we choose to endure the reality we consider better than the possibilities of being in more pain, more loneliness. 

We have fallen in our own ways, eaten our own poison, but what would life be without these hurts, these pains? Would we learn how to kiss our scars and accept ourselves? Would we learn how to appreciate ourselves? Would we understand the meaning of pain and bliss? 

Perhaps pain and hurts were for a greater purpose. Perhaps loneliness was to teach us the meaning of solitude, for loneliness is when you have no choice but to be alone and lonely while solitude is when you choose to be alone. 

Our perhaps are hypotheses to all the questions we have; some of which are never to be answered until we see the Love of Life. 

Are our scars meant for something greater? Are our fears meant just for preservation or something better? 

How much we have fallen. But are our fallenness accountable to anything? 

Maybe we were meant for loneliness?

“To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.”

- Anatole France

Why

EXT. DIRTY STREETS - DARK - EVENING

HE walks along the pavement, looking sad, disheartened. HE frowns. HIS blue eyes looks across the streets. HE sees a little girl with blond hair, in pastel yellow shirt and long pink pants. SHE skips along the pavement SHE is walking at. In her hand is a little teddy bear. SHE is happy. SHE smiles and hums a melody. 

HE looks forward. HE sees an old couple walking side by side. Their wrinkled hands are wrapped around each other. HE looks down. HE looks upwards, the skies. The moon shines, but is partially covered by the clouds. 

HE walks past a lamp post. At the lamp post was a man, covered in black. The man catches his arm. HE is caught by surprise. 

The man raises his fist. The lamp post casts light onto his face, showing the man's face partially. HE is in shocked and his eyes bulges with surprise. 

HE

Kor (brother in Mandarin) --

The man punches him in the face. Hard. HE squeals and cringes in pain. HE falls to the ground. HE gets to his feet. HE looks at the man who is already far away, still walking. 

HE

(softly, almost whispering)

Why?

A drip of water falls to the ground. 

Another Year Added to Him

Last year, we gave him a surprise. This year, we gave him a surprise too. And it's a small scale one. 

Among the few of us (Dixon, Melissa, Phoebe, Yen, Paul and me), we always end up spending the most on Paul. I don't know why, but I guess he's the golden one amongst us. 

This year, we made cupcakes with ice cream and chocolates as topping (our icing couldn't 'membeku'). 

No wasabi was used although we were tempted to. HAHA! =)

Thank God for him. =P

Oh, and Yen took this random shot. I laughed big time in the quiet Assunta Hospital Starbucks when I saw it.