I have a lot of friends getting married lately. Facebook just has a way of rubbing things at my face when I am least guarded. Normally, I'd be fine, but what got me so much this time was the union of a very good looking couple that got me thinking - will I ever have this privilege?
Then I realised I have never fallen in love. I've had horrible infatuations and crushes before, but never had I understood love in that context.
I remember the first time I fell for someone. That fluttering feeling and joy I had were indescribable, but soon after, I've told myself that I'll be this careless with the matters of my heart anymore. Perhaps that is the reason of my non-feeling days.
What scares me more is the questions I ask myself -- "What does it feel like to be in love, to know for sure that the person you are marrying is the one for you, to be assuredly someone's, to be so willing to take that fall because there is everything to lose. My sanity, my safety, my boundaries, everything that makes me, me."
As if that weren't enough, the conclusions that I make in my head scare me the most, honestly.
Some people are fortunate, some aren't. Some are loved by everyone, and they get such affection just by being themselves. There is no need to try, no need to fight. They just are. And when you look at your background and the struggles you have gone and are going through, there is absolutely no evidence that you could have the same.
Sure, there are some things that everyone, despite their background, can enjoy. Like salvation, but not happiness.
And then, there are so many schools of thought regarding this matter.
You will find your significant other when the time is right, when you are ready for love. To do that, you need to work on yourself so that the other will receive the best of you.
You only need to be open, for love is near. The reason you can't find it is your unwilling to be open to the possibility that perhaps someone is out there for you.
You need to learn how to completely love yourself. It is only when you are able to do so, love finds you.
And what does not help in moments like this is: Singlehood is the shizniz. There is no need to answer to anyone, no need to report to anyone your whereabouts. But really? What about the times when you are lonely, when you want to hold someone and when you want to be held? When you want to just rest in the shadow of someone's wings, feeling assured that there is someone you can count on if the world caves down upon you, and if the sky turns dark and begins to toss blitzes of thunders at you.
Are we that delusional to think that I can do away without anyone else? Or is the challenge to be completely okay with myself?
Food for thought.